Five important things we learned from the first week of the Tour

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André Greipel sucking his thumb
André Greipel sucking his thumb (André Greipel/Twitter)

Food hygiene, cheap polyester, bed wetting, Nairo Quintana and hypertrophy of the inferior turbinates: Five things we learned from week one of the Tour de France.

The three-second rule, food hygiene and sprint safety

The three-second rule relates to food you have dropped on the floor. If it stays on the ground for no more than three seconds, you can just brush it off and eat it. It’s basic science. For some reason, the UCI have implemented this rule to make bunch sprints safer. Presumably from a food hygiene perspective.

Those bobbles on over-washed jerseys make you faster

Bobbling appears on low quality polyester and is a result of over washing. The good news is that according to Fred Grappe, Head of Performance at FDJ, these bobbles can make a rider 25 seconds faster over a 14km time trial. This is because bobbles create a vortex that allow the wearer to travel in time. Or something. So don’t waste money on expensive kit. Just buy cheap stuff and wash it hot.

Nairo Quintana is riding the Tour

He is! I saw him on stage five. I’m sure I did. He’ll probably win as well, because he’ll just keep riding and hiding until everyone else has crashed, been disqualified, or got food poisoning from not observing the three second rule. Clever Nairo Quintana.

André Greipel sucks his thumb

He does! I saw it on Twitter. He also only sleeps after his DS has read him the Gruffalo (doing all the voices) and occasionally wets the bed if he drinks too much fizzy pop. But he’ll grow out of it soon enough (Terrifying fact: André Greipel is only half grown).

Finally, a cure for significant hypertrophy of the inferior turbinates!

We’ve all been there: your inferior turbinates are so engorged that you can’t win a grand tour. But unlike the rest of us mouth breathers, Fabio Aru actually did something about it: he had a nose job. The result? Massively enhanced nasal performance. Now he just needs to get his eyes tested.