Review: Ultra-light graphene superbike — Super light. Super expensive. Super f**cking lost

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Review: Ultra-light graphene superbike

This bike is so light, so minimal, so bloody insubstantial that we lost it. I say we. It was me. I lost it. And now I’m going to lose my job. Shit. Shit shit shit.

I’ve looked everywhere. I mean for fuck’s sake, it’s an entire bicycle, how hard can it be to find?

I’m pretty sure I came back from my last ride on it, on it. Or did I? This graphene superbike is so gossamer light that it’s sometimes hard to tell if you’re even riding it. Like getting a piggyback from a ghost.

Ultra lightweight doesn’t begin to describe it. Throw it in the air and it floats back down like a Twix wrapper drifting from a bus window. To reach the UCI weight limit the easiest thing to do is strap another bike to it (which has the added advantage of making it easier to see).

It doesn’t even have a colour. Colour is too heavy. This bike is translucent. It drifts in and out of view like a heat mirage. And like a heat mirage, when you lean it somewhere in your office and go to make a cup of tea, you can’t find the bastard thing when you get back.

The price? £10,000. It costs ten sodding grand. As a reviewer, I’d normally try to be blasé about that. But normally I haven’t lost the review bike. What am I going to do? I don’t have that kind of money. It must be here somewhere. If only I could focus.