Sprint finishes to be replaced with artisanal craft markets after latest UCI jury ruling

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Sagan DQ — UCI ban sprinting

After 36 straight hours watching YouTube videos of the stage four crash, a shell-shocked UCI jury has decided to ban sprinting and replace the final 300 meters with a lovely craft market.

“On further examination of the evidences we have to decided to take steps to stop this madness” jury president Philippe Marien said.

“Seriously, it was insane. One moment everyone’s having a lovely time. Next thing you know it’s gone batshit mental and people are getting hurt. Why they decided to go charging off like that, just a few meters from the finish, is a mystery.

“This isn’t the first time it’s happened either. Far from it. At the end of pretty much every flat stage a bunch of riders will go marauding down the finishing straight for no apparent reason.

“And it’s always the same culprits: Sagan, Cavendish, Kittel, Kristoff, the list goes on. They call themselves “The Sprinters” like they’re in a gang or something. It’s all very threatening.

“Clearly, disqualifying Peter Sagan isn’t enough. And we can’t disqualify them all — that would show very poor judgement.

“So instead we have decided to ban sprinting.

“From now on, the final 300 meters will be a neutral zone where riders will have the option to walk to the finish, stop for tea, or buy a souvenir from one of the many artisanal craft stalls that will replace the barriers.”